To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
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Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
It’s an epidemic…
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.