To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
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I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Somewhere in an alternate universe
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.