To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
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I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator