To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.![]()
You Might Also Like
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Facebook marketplace is a different world
![]()
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.