To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
huge if true: the moon
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.