Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peak technology

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

This is my emotional support knife.

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?