To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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Black Friday “markdowns” like
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
this is how life feels
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.