To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Love it! 👍😂
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER