To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
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Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Living the best life.. 😊
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.