To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
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My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.