To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
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One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S