To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
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BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*