To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar