Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

BRO LMFAO

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

remember

only for emergencies

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”