Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

No one :

Me when I swimming :

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.