To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My favorite farside!!
Cndnsd Mlk
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way