To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.