To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
🤣🤣🤣
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER