Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

The fall of Netflix

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.