To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
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My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
lmao
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey