Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

True story 🤣

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Terribly Tuesday.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.