Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

(Electricians.)

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T