To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Try and stop me.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
