To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
