To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
😂😂😂
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
