To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]