Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices