To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
You Might Also Like
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
at ease…shoulder.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday