To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long