To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing