Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.