To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
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I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Wise advice
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.