To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
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You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.