To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with