Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.