To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
i hate you platonically
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.