To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
