To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
The glory of fall.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
#DesignFail
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long