To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
You Might Also Like
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
They must have gotten it to go.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.