To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.