To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️