To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.