Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
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My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend