Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*