@ElizaBayne

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

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@badbanana

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

@donni

Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals

@Mickey_McCauley

For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you

@BromanConsul

GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again

@UncleDuke1969

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

@Vodkantots

3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
Me:
3:

@girl_a_whirl

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

@WilliamAder

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.