To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I only treason on days ending in y
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.