@ElizaBayne

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

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@nash_official

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

@curlymalloy

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

@mortimermaiden

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

@ISOremarkable

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

@GrahamKritzer

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

@CharmandBrains

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

@PMTheron1

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

@MrAdamBez

A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.

@HomeWithPeanut

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”