To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
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We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it