To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
