To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
They did not think through this water fountain
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
