To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
