To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
This is always good for a laugh.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.