To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
tfw you realize …
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes