To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
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“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I put the mess in domestic.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???