Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

The news in a nutshell.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

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