To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.