To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.