I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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“FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!…” – Honey Boo Boo’s teachers her senior year of high school
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love
[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’m convinced some of you are here because someone didn’t properly lock your cage.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.