[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
ME: Would you like a snack?
4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.
whoever named them “freshmen” never had to live with three of them
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining
Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first