I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Tier 3 meme
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.