[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
