[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-
Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me
Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.