@nbadag

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

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@squirrel74wkgn

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

@TweetPotato314

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

@pstamato

[7:30pm]
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!

[2:30am]
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million

@murrman5

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

@weismanjake

Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters

@ilovepie84

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-

Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me

@ErrenMichaels

Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.

@LittleMissAngr1

I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.