[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.