Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat