To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
Cha-ching is my safe word
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
screw you
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.