To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
You Might Also Like
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.