To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.