To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
There’s only one good girl here!
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.