To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

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“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want


SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?


when i say “i should be there in 5!” i’m almost always using the moral sense of the word ‘should’, not the like probability sense. like yeah being there in 5 minutes would be the right thing, even though it’s not going to happen


Hurts So Good is my favorite song about eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.


some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore


I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.


The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.


[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis