To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes