Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.