To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
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Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
“Wait, let me explain..”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
yall want some gasoline milk
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*