to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
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customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Hell yeah 👍
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”