to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
You Might Also Like
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
😎 🍻
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty