Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

It’s an epidemic…

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]