To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
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you will never know the true number of layers
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Icarus loved hot wings.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.