Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

Me irl

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.