To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
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HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Good for him.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Its true…
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit