To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
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#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆![]()
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work