To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
You Might Also Like
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Why are bridges so flammable.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name