Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.