To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
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Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.