To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Rather alarming headline…
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
very niche meme I made
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
When your parents check you’re ok.