To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Why soy sad?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.