To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
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[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”