Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.