To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
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Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.