To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset