Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.