To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
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Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Always
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms