To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
![]()
You Might Also Like
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?![]()
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
![]()
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
![]()
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.