Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better