To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…