Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.