To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
You Might Also Like
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
✌️
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor